If You’re Not Watching Team USA at the 2026 Winter Olympics, What’s Wrong With You?
- Dennis Nichols
- 1 hour ago
- 4 min read
Missing the 2026 Winter Olympics? Team USA is winning gold, breaking records, and sweeping curling stones like legends — and you're just scrolling past? Here's why not watching Ilia Malinin’s quads, Breezy Johnson’s downhill gold, and Hilary Knight’s hockey heroics should be a federal offense. Seriously, what’s wrong with you?
If you're not watching the 2026 Winter Olympics, I have to ask — are you okay? Do you hate joy? Have you become allergic to greatness wrapped in stars, stripes, and a healthy dose of ice and adrenaline? Team USA is absolutely cooking in Milano-Cortina, and missing it is like skipping Beyoncé at the Super Bowl — criminal, really.
Breezy Johnson Just Flew Past Gravity
You remember Breezy Johnson, right? Well, even if you didn’t, she just made sure you will never forget her name. The Wyoming-born speed demon blazed down the downhill course like she had a jetpack strapped to her back — clinching Team USA’s first medal of the Games — and yes, it was a gold.
She edged out Germany’s Emma Aicher by 0.04 seconds, which is basically the time it takes to blink… twice. Or change the channel. Which you shouldn't do.
This win? Historic. The first U.S. women's downhill skiing gold in 16 years. Breezy didn’t just win — she reintroduced the term “American Alpine dominance” back into the Olympic group chat.
Ilia Malinin Is the New King of Ice
Speaking of dominance: Ilia “Quad God” Malinin turned the figure skating team event into his personal highlight reel. His men’s free skate was so good, the laws of physics had to call a time-out.
Under immense pressure, this guy landed five quads, skated like a caffeinated ballet ninja, and locked in Team USA’s second straight gold in the team figure skating event.
And for those of you keeping track: yes, he’s still in his teens. What were you doing at 19? (Probably not sticking quadruple Lutzes at the Olympic Games.)
Hilary Knight = American Hockey Royalty
Hilary Knight, Olympic veteran and destroyer of pucks, just tied the all-time Olympic scoring record for an American woman. Fourteen Olympic goals. Four freaking Olympics. She’s basically Wayne Gretzky in mascara.
Team USA’s women’s hockey team is steamrolling through the tournament like a Zamboni with anger issues. And Hilary? She’s the one driving it.
Curling Is Intense and You Need to Accept That
I know what you’re thinking: “Curling? Isn’t that just ice bocce with brooms?” WRONG. Team USA’s mixed doubles curling duo has been slinging stones and sweeping like their Airbnb deposit depends on it.
They’re knocking on the semifinals door with a wild mix of precision, strategy, and Midwestern swagger. It’s drama. It’s tension. It’s… curling, baby.
Lindsey Vonn Returns (and Yes, She Crashed — Gloriously)
She’s back! At 41, Lindsey Vonn made an inspiring comeback, suiting up for downhill once more. She took a brutal spill, yes — but that kind of guts and grit belongs in every highlight reel. The crowd roared. The snow trembled. And she reminded us all what Olympic spirit looks like: brave, battered, and bold.
Team USA’s Medal Count Is Climbing — So Tune In Already
As of now, the U.S. sits high in the medal table, with gold in alpine skiing and figure skating, and plenty more on the way. Mikaela Shiffrin, Chloe Kim, and the rest of the American winter sports Avengers are just getting warmed up.
So again — why aren’t you watching?
This isn’t just sports. This is USA’s frozen symphony of speed, skill, and savage Olympic excellence. If you’re not watching, you’re missing golden moments (literally), iconic athletes, and the kind of pure, unscripted drama you can’t get anywhere else — except maybe a family group chat during Thanksgiving...
Grab your cocoa, wrap yourself in an American flag (or a Snuggie — no judgment), and turn on the damn Olympics. You can thank us when you’re screaming at your TV because we just landed another quad or you learned curling to perfection.
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References & Sources
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